Self -Love & Self-Acceptance
The bell rings. Students sprint to their desks, eager to uncover something inside. “Oh, I’ve got 1, 2, 3, 4… WOW! I can’t believe how many I got”, one student exclaims while tearing apart each delicately packed bag of candy. “How about you” as she turns to her friend? How many did you receive? “Just one”, she responds despondent, as her face flushes red with embarrassment.
Another Valentine’s Day casualty. Have you been there?
“Who is the only person you are stuck with for the rest of your life?” I often ask my students this poignant question. Some varied responses include my mom, my dad, my pet gerbil, my brother. “You! I exclaim emphatically. The only person you are forced to live with is you.”
We must all learn not only to like ourselves or simply tolerate; we must learn to fall in love with ourselves. The relationship we form with ourselves which includes our body and mind, takes time to develop and its growth is not linear. Like all other relationships it will endure setbacks and a multitude of unexpected obstacles. These may include a breakup with a friend or a loved one, a job rejection, or the loss of a loved one. Many of these events are out of our control yet we somehow find ways to attribute the blame and shame to ourselves. Furthermore, we must be patient and gentle with ourselves when these obstacles arise and try to avoid the cognitive somersaults and automatic self-doubts that bring about feelings of shame and unworthiness.
Learning to love yourself authentically and unconditionally is a lifelong process and it starts with the following:
The only person you are forced to live with is you. The relationship we form with ourselves endures a wide range of experiences and a multitude of unexpected obstacles as we journey through life. Many of these events are out of our control yet we somehow find ways to attribute the blame and sometimes the shame to ourselves. Learning to love ourselves authentically and unconditionally is a lifelong process that depends on the following:
Self-Love means establishing boundaries
This means not saying yes when we want to say no. This involves skills such as assertiveness and being our own self advocate which can be challenging in many social situations where one wants to be appropriate and feel accepted. At what price do we sacrifice our own wants and needs to fit in to be liked?
Self-Love means self-reliance
To be self-reliant is to use one's own powers and resources for problem solving and decision making. It means trusting our own instincts and not relying on the approval of others for validation purposes. Self-reliance can co-exist with our ability to value other peoples' perspective and balancing the two is an art form worth mastering.
Self-Love means radical self-acceptance
Understanding that our most undesired qualities are simply parts of our whole self is radical self-acceptance. It means giving oneself permission to be imperfect and human, while still holding to a standard of personal excellence. At The Meeting House we often say, “You are not only your mistakes.”
Self-Love means establishing a deep connection with your body and mind
Everybody needs different kinds of nourishment for personal wellness to find what works for them. Learning about your body, becoming more mindful and paying attention to the information without judgment is a practice worth investing in.
Self-Love means patience
It's important to understand that self-love waxes and wanes throughout an entire life span. Patience can be thought of as the ability to manage life’s unexpected changes and to cultivate peace of mind to guide oneself out of difficult moments. Self love requires degrees of both flexibility and patience that are both critical life long virtues.
